Thursday, February 3, 2011

An Long Overdue LONG BLOG

Did I fall asleep? My last training post was on Jan 3rd. Today is the last day of January (that’s when the first draft was written). Oh My GOSH I fell asleep, well I sure needed it.

I am alive and have been climbing out of a very large hole. 56 days ago I had had enough. I wanted to end it. I wanted out. I was at the lowest point EVER in my life.

Looking BETTER, NO, looking GOOD!
I glossed over the New Year and with some expert guidance from Kristian and some very good friends and I KNOW things have finally turned a corner. Why you may ask? Hasn’t she done that before only to fall back and sink even deeper?

Honesty is my policy when writing. When I write about other peoples journeys they are kind enough to open up and be honest with me in the hope they can help others. So that is my policy here to.


But sometimes I have to delay what I want to say until I am strong enough to handle actually writing it down and revealing my inner weakest moments. I do this for two reasons. To prove that I am a strong person and that there is nothing to be ashamed of. And to hopefully help anyone else out there who may read this and be going through a similar experience. 

So. If you calculate correctly 56days ago was Christmas Day. Prior to the 25th on the eve I woke up and knew it was going to be a bad day. WHY? Ok briefly…

Thursday it started to build the pounding headache, the anxiety. I should have stayed at home but forced myself up and out of bed  - I cannot remember now if I span on the bike or not. It’s not really important.

I went to work, I went for a meeting. Sitting in the coffee shop I felt bad. Hard to explain but when you have CFS other symptoms that happen are the following: paranoia, anxiety, depression, as well as the inability to sleep, body aches, brain fog. Ok enough of that. So sitting there and my heart rate started to rise, I started getting fidgety and very uncomfortable. By the time my friend had arrived for the meeting I was in a right state, burst into tears and just had to run. YES, I collected my things and RAN.

Driving home with tears streaming down my face (I could also not stop crying), now I get angry with myself. I really have had enough. My head starts pounding and by the time the evening rolls round I had found solace in sugar.

Woke up Friday Xmas eve and could not move. Could not stop crying and the effort (mentally not just physically) to get up and go downstairs was immense. For 2 days I did not wash or leave the house (my bed) except to find solace in the only comfort I had become so addicted to…chocolate.

On Christmas day, well I would rather glaze over that day. But by that time I had had enough of my life. I felt a burden on friends and basically shut down, shunned anyone who extended warmth and a kind word. It is not a nice feeling to not want to live. I know I would not do anything about it. But just having the thought is bad enough.

I text a friend. I reached out and On Christmas day she became my savour as I started on the path to an honest recovery. I am by no means there yet, but I now feel strong enough that when the bad days come I can handle them. I DO HANDLE THEM, because I have had them since.

For too many months I care to admit I have run away and avoided my friends because I cannot handle being around them, the questions, the paranoia that everyone is talking about you. I know this is not the case – but this is one of the symptoms of this disease.

I have read so much material on CFS. I found forums, chat rooms where people with the same problem come together. I found this extremely uncomfortable. WHY? Because I felt the people in these forums were too negative, complaining about their problem rather than helping one another. Suggesting medications to take.

I have never wanted to revert to medication to help me through this. I do not believe in it. I believe there to be another way. And after reducing the stress, the work the training there was only one thing left to change.
MY DIET.

This meant taking away the only comfort that I knew. Chocolate. But it was a comfort in sheep’s clothing as no sooner had I consumed the bar the feel good ‘rush was replaced with GUILT, depression and sadness.

In an email to Kristian he replied with so much POSTIVE useful information on CFS that I started to see light. He has introduced me to a new way of eating that I have embraced. He also told me not too fall to far into the black hole and that I have so much to give.

Other people close to my work and me tell me I am great. It’s hard to believe these things when so low but now I read this and I smile. Not cry :)

So amongst some serious positive thinking and channelling of energy the diet changed. I detoxed for the first time in my life and the results were not what I expected.

Actually I do not know what I expected, never having done it before or read much on the subject. You see I guess I am a kind try it first, read it later kind of person.

I have learnt a lot, I am still learning. And for someone who never EVER took supplements I have learnt that this body was way tired and I could not go on treating it the way I was without some inner damage. So now Supplements are a daily intake.  More on what I have introduced later.

Also and finally, just how did I get to this place? I know I raced last year in this fatigued state. Why? How do I know this? Because I stopped improving during training a long time ago and was finding it harder and harder to execute any training and have a solid session. And when I think back my hard sessions where hard because I was already in a depleted state – they were not getting quicker. NEVER.

It is no ones fault except my own. I take full responsibility for it. Coach did not force the training. And the work…well I just kept taking more on and never said stop, that’s enough I cannot handle this anymore!
Getting better and better EACH DAY
So now I see the error of my ways. I train lightly at the moment. I have one international race on the cards for this year already registered for :) And I am working part-time.


I believe I am 90% stress free. 10% of stress I do have is attributed to daily stuff like driving, queues and ignorant people – I let those wash over me and avoid negative people and places like the plague and if I find my self gripping the steering wheel and my knuckles turning white. I say a mantra. I take a deep breath and RELAX.

So I am not going to detail the training, there is nothing to learn there. It’s going along well and Kristian and Charlotte (who is expecting their first baby in a matter of days) have been a rock. As has my dear friend Julie and Lynn and the wonderful support and understanding of Big D.


I just completed my first full week for 3weeks. This morning as it is the first day of the Lunar New Year I chose to ride Putrajaya with Mark rather than do the turbo. We had a great chat and now I am off to an open house.

Please check out this website that Kristian put me onto: www.foodmatters.tv. I have been sharing this with everyone I meet:




When I was viewing I just kept thinking OH MY GOSH. The next day after watching this…I detoxed.

Take care, train safe and please listen to YOUR INNER BODY – forget about whats happening on the outside – that falls into place once the inside has the warm fuzzy feeling of happiness :)

4 comments:

Gin Hai said...

Emma, I am so sorry to hear about your rough time. Would have come to help if I had known. Anyway, am glad to read that you are well on your way to getting better. Will chat more when I get back to KL next week from Chinese New Year. Take care, hugs!

Emma said...

Thank you for your kind words and warmth. I look forward to catching up...lots of ideas to share :)
Happy CNY and travel safe.

Barón de Benta'ko Erreka said...

Tri Luarca Power¡¡¡

Emma said...

Now how did you get those '!' upside down ??? :)