I Do Feel Loved

My confidence has been taking rather a huge nose dive of late. I pondered on whether or not to post this brutal honesty. So far I have not shied away from saying what and how I feel so I won't stop now. And every time I write something that is pretty painful for me to put out there and admit - it does actually help and in turn I also think/hope that others can relate and know they are not alone when having a bad day/week/month and start raising questions about what they are doing.

SO. The last time I had a good weeks training and blasted all the sessions was - I can't remember, most probably never. This is a reality I have to accept. When fellow athletes are blasting training, kicking your butt on the run...just accept it. Turn away, close your eyes do not let it deter you and start questioning your abilities. This is so much easier said then done especially when, speaking for myself, you are competitive - even when training. But it is a fact of life. So just quit grumbling, moaning, whining and accept it.

There is a training Olympic distance race on Sunday. It is training. But of course I want to do well. I think I can. BUT. My body has been like a trawler in the pool...I can never seem to keep warm, running, my legs are so sore...I blast a session one day then the next it is as though I am a different person or at least the same person but with someone elses legs that just WILL NOT work.

Then there is my bike. Again. Blast a session to the point I think is this right? I haven't done that before. Then two days later...WTF. Who came took my legs and replaced them with lamp posts?? Come on own up...where are they - I need them!!! Grrrr.

I trawled along the bottom of the pool this morning...cold and sluggish as hell. I then trudged to TBB and hopped on George for an easy spin. Easy?? small chain ring and very easy gear - oh dear that wasn't easy at all.

Later I will run. Intervals. I keep at it because even though my confidence has run away and hidden I know what I have to do. I am sure it will come back, hopefully in time for Phuket. As for this weekend I would be grateful to enjoy myself, be able to give some good effort and not totally screw myself up. I have not done a race swim since Putrajaya and I am scared as hell about it :(

While spinning on the bike trying to pedal myself out of the black hole I looked at my bar tape and saw it seemed cleaner. I then looked down at the bottom bracket and saw gleaming shininess. Just when you think nobody cares and you get lost feeling sorry for yourself I am reminded that I am loved (or at least George is). I left TBB last night with George set up ready to jump on this morning. He was still there when I opened up but I noticed he had been ridden. Through my tired eyes however it took a while to focus and realise that he had received much TLC last night after I went home. THANK YOU boys...I DO feel loved :)

I cheered myself up then with Simon & Garfunkel. Yes I have diverse tastes in music. I like the lyrics/stories of their songs and when Cecelia came on it actually got me spinning a little harder and faster...can you believe that?? Forget techno music to train to, Folk is the way to go - well that and Sinatra!